Poetry,  Vic Stanley

Who Was I?

Written by Victor Stanley Jr.

 

Look I couldn’t breathe,

still my chest heave

weary from the death beat of a heart pushed to its limit

running from life ignoring those church folk

worked dope,

up and down that mid-atlantic coast, doing the most just to boast

that I was really about it life plans outed in an existence that was clouded

by prayers to the darkness illuminated on the ember of a joint

materialized in smoke, spoke to the air

prince of which guarantees the success of these

our faith in he just increase as he perfects deceit

I moved with enemies of my soul’s belief

I suppressed it, rejected the message contained in those dead sea scrolls

kept heat so them adversaries in the physical couldn’t stop the criminal rise of I

spiritual foes devised this climb, war in me fighting the world embattled mind

listen dog I got a story to tell I harbored hate in my heart and it lured me to hell

started out as fear of being myself grew into the pain of unacceptance

I was bullied as a youngin in school,

christian home I grew up in had me following rules that they didn’t live by

felt like it was hindering me from defending of me, rendering me nothing but weak

it limited me, to turning the other cheek

pain gained became angst internalized

anger aimed at any who turned their eyes, in my direction hate kept in full supply

the dawn of my possesion, I loathed myself the most

‘cause I couldn’t fit the description that came with the box they said I was meant to fit in

I broke myself down homie self resentment,

I put enough gas in the tank to carry a life sentence ‘cross town

to where the lost are found, lives in turmoil,

I kept them spiraling down, to keep them lower than me

see I figured if they were somewhere beneath I’d elevate myself,

but the deeper I go in this game the further I sink,

staring death in the face dog scared to blink, call me a coward but I had to flee

I ain’t ashamed to say serving God was my plan B…

that’s a lie, wasn’t even my plan C or plan D, serving Christ wasn’t in the cards for me

I was tarot reading tryna see my future in the eyes of them demons

fear paralyzing still I looked twice in,

damnation haunts this course we’re riding

striving to thrive in this forest full of beasts escape to survive it,

THIS WAS MY REALITY

no way out…

unaware of my identity,

who was I

that Christ would be a friend to me,

but he set me free,

I know that’s hard to believe…

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